conference

This year, based on reduced attendance and sales over the last few years, Scott and I have decided just to attend conferences where I am also asked to speak. So we will not be going anywhere just as vendors. When we have tried doing that in the past, I end up talking to people while saying many of the same things repeatedly during one-on-one conversations. When I speak, I can talk to hundreds at a time and then cover more individual concerns between workshop sessions. It is so much more effective to do it that way, and is actually more enjoyable and less exhausting for me to speak to a group. I've registered on the Homeschool Speakers website, but so far (it's only been a couple of weeks) I've not been contacted by anyone through that site. I am praying that God will send me wherever He wants to, but it's kind of looking like I'll be spending my time right here at home. So my other prayer is that I will be at peace with that, too, and that God will use me however He sees fit. I just want to be smack in the middle of His will for me. Is that too much to ask?

The amazing Josh

Josh has been verbally abused at work by a CSM who for some reason despises Josh and has been a repeated offender in calling him names, lying about him, and trying to get him in trouble and make his life harder. Josh has put up with it time after time, but it has gotten increasingly worse and it's apparent that this guy is trying to get Josh to quit or find any excuse to fire him. Today, Josh planned to go and register a complaint in HR about this CSM's behavior. It may make things worse for Josh, but this guy's actions are unacceptable and he should have been fired a long time ago. I hope Josh can increase management's awareness before he is no longer an employee there. I also hope he can get a new and better job somehow, and soon.

Itching away

I have an appointment to see an allergist next week, and I have to be off all antihistamine medication for a full week prior to that visit. I'm now in my third day without meds, and I'm feeling sick. My nose is running, yet congested, and my eyes and throat itch. I'm starting to itch all over my skin in random spots. It's the same whether I am indoors in air conditioning or outside in the summer sun. I'm glad this isn't contagious, but I really feel like crap the way I do when I am sick.

Missed

My Beckie has been away at our church's High School Leadership Training program for the last week. She was complaining about going, but we had already committed to it. I talked to her about being open to new experiences and meeting new people. She has one friend that she spends a lot of time with who was not going with her (thank God), and was not allowed to take her IPod with her. She focused on every negative moment she's ever had at previous camps, and was convinced that she was going to miss everything by being gone A WHOLE WEEK. She acted like it was forever. She borrowed her leader's phone because they make the kids call home to let us know they arrived at Myrtle Beach. She was abrupt then, making sure we were going to feed her fish while she was gone, saying she would tell me about her roommates later, and then ending the call. I didn't hear anything from her the whole week, and I prayed for her every day - usually multiple times a day. I asked my Bible study to pray for her this week, too. I knew she was supposed to get back today, and that they would have the kids call when they were about an hour out so we'd know when to pick them up at church. When Scott and I got home from breakfast, Josh and Beth said there had been a weird message left by a cell phone caller. We all listened to the message, which was only a couple of vocalized syllables that were unintelligible and none of us recognized the voice. It turns out, that was Beckie, because as I was doing laundry my cell phone rang. I didn't recognize the number but it was a local area code so I answered it. It was Beckie, but I didn't even recognize her voice at first as she didn't even mask the hostility in her voice and greeted me with "Hey! Where are you?" It took me a few seconds to realize that it must be Beckie, and I told her I was home and asked where she was. With non-diminishing hostility she spat out "Church. I left you guys a message." I told her that none of us could understand the message that was left and she radiated frustration and disgust as she asked where her Dad was. I told her he was also at church, helping set up for the VBS that starts this week. She said she would go find him and cut off further conversation. Actually, it never was much of a conversation and I told her to call me back if she couldn't find her Dad. I didn't hear anything back, but I'm afraid that whatever God had planned to bless Beckie with she missed it because she was so busy finding things wrong with having to be there.

Time

Beckie has been gone at camp this week and I've made the most of the extra time by going to my Bible study on Monday, meeting a friend for coffee and doing an apheresis blood donation and volunteering with the cats at the Humane Society Tuesday, meeting a friend to walk at a park on Wednesday, and going in to work and answering e-mails and setting up appointments today. Tomorrow I will do a speech evaluation and maybe tomorrow night I will go to an outdoor theater to watch a Shakespeare production. I've also done some cleaning and reading. I talked to my Dad on the phone this morning. He is 80 years old and is still wishing he had more time to do all the things he wants to. He is very busy and in good health, but still feels like I do that there is not enough time to fit it all in. Maybe it is normal to feel this way, and maybe even after I retire I will feel like I can't do all the things I want to.

Changes with Homeschool Conferences

This is a strange time for me. Things seem to be changing in the homeschool world, as evidenced by reduced attendance at conferences for the last couple years. That's been the case for every conference I've been to across several states. Conference organizers are making budget cuts, and vendors seem to be viewed as having limited value. This year, I spoke at a couple conferences that didn't pay me, or even give me a thank-you note or a token pen or coffee mug. I know the people I speak to appreciate what I have to offer, but it baffles me that homeschoolers seem to expect me to give away my services. I've even offered to speak at some conferences, and they reply that I can pay to reserve one of the "vendor" speaking spots. They want me to pay them to serve them and bless the people who hear me? I don't understand that. I don't do vendor workshops, and I work very hard to do professional presentations and then make myself available to talk to people throughout the entire conference. The response to my presentations has always been extremely positive. No other venue that I know would expect to benefit from my personal and professional experience and then not pay me at least something for my work. But it has happened multiple time with homeschool conferences. I did five workshops in one weekend at a conference and was given a verbal "thanks" by one person but was not paid anything for speaking and was still charged full fee for my booth space. I want to help people, and speaking to groups has been very effective to accomplish that goal. But I won't pay to speak, and I won't go to conferences and work as hard as I do just to lose money or barely break even. I know there are people who need what I have to offer, and I hope I will be able to continue providing it. I also know I'm worth being paid.

Desolation

My Beth Lee moved out last night, into the college dorm. This was the plan, and it's a great step forward for her. I'm proud of her, and I'm confident she is ready for this. But I am desolate with her gone. I don't think she knows how I feel, and that was part of my plan, too. But it's truly a case of hypocrisy, because I look like I'm doing o.k. but inside I am a mess and grieving the loss even though it's what I want for her. Things will never be the same again, and they shouldn't be, but I am in pain anyway. I don't know how to do this detaching without ripping my heart out.